Yes yes yes.
I can't really insist on it, but I'm much happier when my lovers can hang out together.Considering we tend to all be from the same circle of friends, it kinda works out that way. But I won't establish relationships with people who don't want to meet my primary, or who don't want to see him at a party or something. It's too much work, and it creates drama that just doesn't happen as often if we all hang out together.

I would make the effort, though I'm picky about who my primary or even secondary has relationships with... if I don't like them enough to persue a friendship with them I will usually discuss it with them. It's almost veto material for me. But every time I capitulated in spite of my concerns about the person it ended up badly for my partner.

But to be honest, if you have no problems with him, no concerns about how he treats your partner, then what is the problem on either side of the issue?

Heh. It varies for me. I don't become friends with people I don't otherwise have reason to get along with. Many of my ltrs have been with people who have generally some wacky taste in partners and that means that I have disliked many of the people they date. The funny thing is that by the end they agree with me that it was a bad plan to date said wacko. Heh.

My partners frequently get along though. My casual dating people (those who don't get to five dates) are not always of super high caliber quality either though so I can't tease too much. Those who do make it to serious dating tend to get along with everyone else I date. They don't necessarily become "friends" but they do like one another well enough to hang out at the same events and pass me around. :)

To me, there is a big difference between friendly and friends.

People who are friendly will often wind up hanging out with each other because of mutual friends, and can get along fine and enjoy each other's company, whereas friends are going to hang out independently of anyone else.

For me, I need my various lovers to be friendly with each other, and vice versa with my lover's lovers. It’s nice if we're all good friends, but it’s not necessary. What is necessary for me is that there is enough friendliness to establish trust, and to avoid awkward social situations. If a couple of us are meeting up for a movie, and I and my lover's lover are the first two to arrive, I want to be comfortable enough to chat amicably without tension. That’s the bar for me. Trust and a lack of any social awkwardness.

Now if I’m good friends with one of my lover’s lovers, we can get to talking. And plotting. And scheming. But that’s an altogether different story ;).

Just because person A and B both like person C does NOT mean that A & B will get along... so I try to never promise friendship with my lover's lover.

Generally, however, I feel like I must at least be civil with all of them and like them, at least a little. If I don't, or if, for some reason, their other lover sets of alarm bells in my head, it is usually a very bad sign for my relationship with the person. Often it seems like people filter for certain traits in lovers... but this can happen as easily and as often for bad habits as for good ones. If someone I like consistently has bad taste in partners, it generally leads me to question their self esteem, level of self-examination, possible relationship baggage, etc.

I try to be careful about making assumptions just because I don't happen to like someone, but I don't like to remain in relationships involving abusive partners... even if I'm not the one directly being abused. If there's relationship poisoning going around, chances are that I'll get into contact with some of it eventually.

I don't think it is necessary to be "friends" but a general cordial relationship is nice for mixed gatherings (like your shared lover's birthday), for acting out elaborate sexual fantasies, for planning gifts, schedules, and all of the assorted odd things that can come up when you have a relationship involving more then just two people.

- D
All of the above.

It depends on the person and I think that it can work either way. My partner has had lovers who I'm not at all interested in or even dislike. To me, if I wouldn't interact with that person otherwise, I shouldn't be forced to due to my partner's preferences. And my partner is completely fine with that.

Since you don't feel drawn to develop a close friendship with him, why bother?

from my experience, i've always wanted to be able to be friends with my ex-wife's other partners, but we just didn't have much in common. I think this was largely due to our ideal of looking for things in our secondary partners that we didn't/couldn't find in our relationship with each other. So, it made sense that she wouldn't be looking for someone much like me, and vice-versa. I think that the 'not being friends with the secondaries' thing did ultimately cause problems, though, since it meant that right off the bat, I had a hard time being really excited about her seconds. Whenever we found someone who was bi and was involved with both of us, though, things tended to work much better.

In the future, I'm going to try to be much more aware of my comfort level as regards my partners' other partners, and try to observe how it affects our interactions. Though, I'm hoping to not get into another serious 'primary' relationship, so who knows.